Sunday, July 30, 2006

birthday reloaded

i thought my 21st would be a cakeless year to begin with.

i didn't mind the idea. at the very very least.

birthday cakes, they can scare me sometimes.

but only yesterday, i surprised myself

by how utterly delighted i was, with the idea of belated birthday cake.


it was 10am.

twelve knockings on my door

i first answered the saturday morning assault with distaste.

my two housemates then appeared with their static-ee morning hair

holding hazelnut chocolate cake from online delivery service.

i had a momentary confusion.


'happy birthday!', they said. and they seemed to mean it.

cheek-peckings. and hugs.

more cheek-peckings. and hugs.

'sorry the cake was too late', they continued.

and it was the least of my concern. i was ecstatic.


little did they know that it wasn't too late at all.

that it was a special day all over again because they did so.

and by connecting stuffs, it was actually a unique time to pick.

that it was 10am in Melbourne, so 7am in the humble Kalimantan.

the time and place i was born.

hence it happened to be my 21st day being 21. exactly. technically.

i like that idea. it's like icing on the cake.


birthday cake. it never was about the cake.

it is more like a reminder

how i should be grateful to have the real cakes to live with.

well i am. and i'd like to thank them for being.

just being.


but ofcourse, the cake was also a success

it was a wickedly mouthwatering celebration of chocolate and hazelnut. yumm.

it reminded me of what a victoria market tshirt says;

"coffee. chocolate. men.

some things are better rich" :)

Posted by nidya at Sunday, July 30, 2006

(1) comments

Monday, July 24, 2006

laughing matter?

hopefully today's the first day of my last semester

in this bittersweet undergraduate experience.

the ultimate reason to enjoy my next 6 months like never before

would be best ignited

by Jym Britton's parody of James Blunt's "You're Beautiful",

that pictures the less-than-desired

yet-happens-a-lot-scenario-of-life-post-uni

that-i-try-to-avoid-but-who-knows-how-shit-happens, called

"My Cubicle"

please enjoy responsibly

Posted by nidya at Monday, July 24, 2006

(2) comments

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

rashomon

broke my blogging record this week

have written seven entries in seven days.

they were not necessarily something

but necessarily too much, for me and of me


now it feels like i'm spending my life describing things

like living my life is less important

like what i really want to do is tell you about it

with added salt pepper soy sauce avec chili


ah yes, why try so hard?

after all it would always be the Rashomon experience

that no one would know you more than what he/she thinks of you

and why deny that i'm not an interesting mystery. the readers are.


at least they have the right to be, thus why

this blog has no statistics or intention to actively find out who's reading

that maybe readers are not numbers and geographic range

that maybe readers become readers from what they feel after the readings

and that's a bit beyond precision to know


or if readers were, numbers and places

why suffer myself by knowing the truth?

might as well let the readers be my interesting mysteries

hence spare me the downside of expectations

Posted by nidya at Tuesday, July 18, 2006

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Sunday, July 16, 2006

vegetable laments



we used to talk, God and i

any kind of talks. i couldn't hear Her voice but i listen and nod

we used to fight, God and i

only because i loved Her enough to fight

and the silent treatments were serene and gentle and calming


but then i drifted. i thought i've grown up

and could decide things by myself

like i need to put myself in vegetables shoes

in order to know the difference between the fruits and the flowers

so we stopped. because i let go.


then the mute tone became so loud i cringed my forehead

it was hard to listen to what i was supposed

there is even this kind;

the kind of silence that can only be heard when others talk


it is not a good feeling, leaving.

but i should consider Her feeling, being left.

i hope when i let go, God tied a string around my waist

for me to turn back and climb up. again. again. again.

while we begin talking and arguing all over again


maybe my sister had a point,

i also don't like how heaven and hell are in between God and me

Posted by nidya at Sunday, July 16, 2006

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Friday, July 14, 2006

ode to lovers

a joke, doesn't

have to tell

that it is

funny


so

please

don't tell her

that you love her

Posted by nidya at Friday, July 14, 2006

(0) comments

Thursday, July 13, 2006

the house

her falling for someone,

it is usually slow, subtle, curious, delicious.

the magnet didnt suddenly move over to a love chart

proclamations were not shouted in the city square

she just is. and she enjoys the falling,

the gravity-effect on the knees, the butterflies, the damaged brain,

the sudden fondness of stalking and anonymous-phonecalling;

20thC teen style.


but she had trouble with subtleness.

she thought the force of love was so grand,

that she believed a toilet grafiti confession could do the telling,

and last page scribbles on notebook could do the loving.

silenced like a sin, hooligans riot at heart.

oh, the grief. oh, the haunting; tortured-poet style.


but then she learnt the hardcore way.

so the next time she falls; she knows she

must exploit eye contacts, must release pheromones,

must scream the love out, must act in love.

because although less is more in this department,

apparently not giving a clue is Not giving a clue


so no, she's not too cool to fall in love.

if she was a house, she's OpenForInspection.

looking for a tenant to fill the blanks

only she insists not wanting any help from RayWhite or HockingStuart

not.. just yet

Posted by nidya at Thursday, July 13, 2006

(2) comments

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

heart cancer


it's extremely cold tonight
is it the winter or is it just me?
both hands slipped between my knees, searching for warmth
my fingers were ice cold, i let out few shivers
my toes shrinked. my heart followed.

suddenly felt small.
suddenly felt dry. bitter.

incapable of thinking,
i grew restless but tired but awake
a sleep would do me good. some loving would do too.

i haven't loved hard since ever
i have too much to give but the bubble hasn't burst.
this heart ballooned.

but there's a change in constellation.
the stars evolve while we are ignoring them.
so how has it changed the gravity between us?
i can't fake gravity on the planet that insist
so why not find each other now,
maybe the next big bang would be too long

Posted by nidya at Wednesday, July 12, 2006

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Monday, July 10, 2006

twentyone

i was a day late to reflect last year old

and to ponder this age

i wonder what's in store for me this time

but then i am not the customer

so i can not just wonder


in search of inspiration for what i want

i read some books mags papers tv trees sky wind n all.

they make me dream, spectacularly

but this hour i really need one that will wake me up

but how do i expect to understand what i want,

when i dream in one language

and wake up in another?

Posted by nidya at Monday, July 10, 2006

(2) comments

Sunday, July 09, 2006

am i in the right country?

Posted by nidya at Sunday, July 09, 2006

(3) comments

fortune cookie

i just had this awkward period
where my writings resonate back at me in the most discomforting way
it strucked me how responsible i should be for the things that i wrote
hence the silence. but now i couldn't care less
the main audience here is actually me, reaching out

to cut short story shorter,
i have been sleeping a lot, in most sense of the word
i have been thinking more selfishly
and this involves semi-shutting myself from encounters,
and burying myself with uni stuffs
that i actually wished to escape from.
these.. i thought i need, in order to get to know myself better

but i guess i took it to the extreme
that while i was sleeping, everything changed
seemingly too much;
the trees grew 2 inches, fashions all strange
and indeed.. i was losing the people that i care about
perhaps, almost everyone.
i've missed too many stories, jokes, experiences
i'm afraid they would never get restored.

it was a malpracticed theurapy of solitude;
in which i didn't get to deliver any message across,
other than how sourly-preserved-pickle i am,
that reveals ugliness surprisingly mine

perhaps funnily this whole process is a self-defense mechanism
against fear of rejection
yes, the fear. not the rejection.

then a $1 fortune cookie knocked my door
it says what i've ignored all along:
that "adversity doesn't build character. it reveals it."
so afterall it is the people around me that characterise me
and i've revealed less of me by doing this isolation
possibly maybe, i've been de-characterising myself

i want to kiss and make up for all the damage i unnecessarily caused
only i haven't got the guts to start kissing and fixing
i feel like a prisoner on a first day out, even the sunlight is overwhelming
and every step forward is worried by guilt.

Posted by nidya at Sunday, July 09, 2006

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Sunday, July 02, 2006

t h e g r e e n b l o g e f f e c t

finally escaped from the maroon blog

and i'd like to begin the journey by sharing an icelandic piece

to celebrate all things exciting in life

enjoy your day

Posted by nidya at Sunday, July 02, 2006

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