Sunday, July 09, 2006

fortune cookie

i just had this awkward period
where my writings resonate back at me in the most discomforting way
it strucked me how responsible i should be for the things that i wrote
hence the silence. but now i couldn't care less
the main audience here is actually me, reaching out

to cut short story shorter,
i have been sleeping a lot, in most sense of the word
i have been thinking more selfishly
and this involves semi-shutting myself from encounters,
and burying myself with uni stuffs
that i actually wished to escape from.
these.. i thought i need, in order to get to know myself better

but i guess i took it to the extreme
that while i was sleeping, everything changed
seemingly too much;
the trees grew 2 inches, fashions all strange
and indeed.. i was losing the people that i care about
perhaps, almost everyone.
i've missed too many stories, jokes, experiences
i'm afraid they would never get restored.

it was a malpracticed theurapy of solitude;
in which i didn't get to deliver any message across,
other than how sourly-preserved-pickle i am,
that reveals ugliness surprisingly mine

perhaps funnily this whole process is a self-defense mechanism
against fear of rejection
yes, the fear. not the rejection.

then a $1 fortune cookie knocked my door
it says what i've ignored all along:
that "adversity doesn't build character. it reveals it."
so afterall it is the people around me that characterise me
and i've revealed less of me by doing this isolation
possibly maybe, i've been de-characterising myself

i want to kiss and make up for all the damage i unnecessarily caused
only i haven't got the guts to start kissing and fixing
i feel like a prisoner on a first day out, even the sunlight is overwhelming
and every step forward is worried by guilt.

Posted by nidya at Sunday, July 09, 2006

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