nidyology

pink raincoat

2009-01-04T17:35:00.002+11:00

2009 is now here.

it still is delightful to me.

knocking 09’s door with salad, sausage bites and warm pies,

sweet milky red bean paste over one and a half of sparklings.

i was a little nervous but we trust it's the only right way to do it.

come midnight, and i became a big fan of these hours.

beside me were the girls who take care of me differently.

and i love how they make me feel.

over the fireworks we shared wishes on where we would be next year.

Looking back, doesn’t matter much.

this time i’d like to think that

some of the things i did poorly are as nice as the things i did well.

i'm up.

paper balls

2008-04-20T11:50:00.014+10:00

hey its already april.

meaning ive lived in this address for a year now,

though not really alone.

my two guinea pigs have double their size since august.

i want my money back.

first quarter of this year felt really full somehow.

overwhelmed by work but slowly grow into it.

the highlight was mamas and nanas visit to melbourne.

the duo came in March with two suitcases and much glee.

naturally i showed off my survival skills in this jungle.

didnt realise it could come out too strong on them.

but we learned each other again.

i figured they love raisin toast too.

i found them enjoying english breakfast tea while sitting at home chirping.

and i realised they like snacking away my fried dumplings and m&ms too.

ive grown accustomed to liking what they like my entire life.

to figure out that they also like what i like, is a different thing.

its a satisfying feeling,

insecurely speaking.

we road tripped a lot together.

drove through scenic routes, beaches and wineries.

mined some brown pebbles in Sovereign Hill,

rode a horsey cart, took pics with people in period dresses and banjo.

Very touristy.

but more actions happen in the city.

nana saw some nudes in melbourne museum, squinted her eyes.

and we were kinda lost in the flower show, so huge, so pretty.

but you should see nanas face in the casino.

Very. Judgemental. but funny.

some ice cream, few chocolates, and heaps of chinese later

they flew back home to jakarta.

the suitcases still two, but something felt heavier.

it hits me again how far they actually are from here.

but that was few weeks ago.

back to routine and its cronies now.

crossing off the list as i go.

these all feel like a skeletal version of the story.

i cant wait to put some flesh to the bones

and start running chasing whatever.

chewing elephant

2008-01-20T15:57:00.000+11:00

Welcome to 2008, everyone.

I’m beginning to settle into this 2008-thing. No longer writes 07 in dates

entry. Apparently Im very attached to last year. Amongst other things.

How was your new year? How was your old year?

My 2007 was high on sugar. Dizzyingly sweet I almost regret.

And as for 2008, I started mine with a high so high and a low so low

on the very same day. It was quite a story eventually. But Ill get over it.

Im enjoying a nice routine these days. Its different from last year.

Last year when I work full time in a coffee shop, I often had jumbled

schedules and random day offs.

And day offs is syrupy. I like waking up in the morning knowing that

there is a blank day ahead of me that could be filled with anything.

Some days they were exceptionally productive and fun,

some days they were awfully boring I died,

some days they were directionless and full of questioning.

Questions like - what am I doing in Melbourne?

Is this where im supposed to be? Is this what Im supposed to be doing?

Have I gone down some wrong roads?

Should I go back to Jakarta? When?

Should I move elsewhere instead? Do something new?

Do postgrad maybe? Really?

So many directions to consider I seem to forget the original.

Its like KFC meal box. And you dont know where to start.

Maybe I should advertise for a housemate.. I seem lost without.

Things I learned from these questions, though..

What I need now is not seeking more heavy changes

in environment or people or landscapes.

I just need to have new eyes in seeing things.

And take my time to work on this one I have, before moving on.

That me, suddenly bookkeeping, invoicing, sorting clients,

driving places, driving home, seeing friends, serving coffee,

all in a city that appreciates art and weather..

as things do need to start, Im glad it started here.

It may sound quite the opposite,

but instead of boring me to sleep, routine wakes me up.

Maybe life is one day at a time. You eat whats on your plate for the day.

Sometimes its too much, sometimes too little.

But no one asks you to chew an elephant.

I was lacking some routines last year and thats why it feels

so nice having them back. Athough in the back of my head I know routines

dont stay remarkable like this.

But at least im taking notes for me. I think noting phases we go

through is necessary. Or maybe because Im forgetful.

So much for a new years ponder I think.

I vote for three things to shape up this year:

having new eyes,

keeping the original plan in mind,

and no chewing elephant.

Enjoy the rest of the year, everyone.

ice ice baby

2007-12-27T14:28:00.000+11:00

on Xmas eve i noticed a tree in a unit 2 doors from mine.

someone had hung crystals, silver ribbons, mirror balls, angels,

gold, red, and silver ornaments on a dead leafless gumtree.

there was an amber light shooting up from below that tree.

and they created the most beautiful and arresting sight.

ive never been much for Xmas,

but this act of beauty delighted me.

it inspired me to make pretty on things.

come to think of it, how cute was that one person

who first decided to decorate a tree so many many years ago.

now many trees have been decorated and loved

celebrating the beauty that he/she first inspired.

i wonder if we all can have that opportunity.

to at least for once, be that cool first person who

decorates trees. or cupcakes. or sounds.

and make the already beautiful world an evenmore.

craving paper-cuts

2007-12-14T21:51:00.000+11:00

i landed an interview a few wednesdays ago.

surprisingly landed a training last last wednesday.

and ecstatically landed a job on that busy monday.

a career

it is in a cozy little head office.

7 people on board.

each with terrifyingly huge responsibilities.

so we work so close to each other

we make each others coffee.

5 days of my diddly daddly there,

im overloaded with information.

fell in love with paper-clips and post-its,

intrigued by stamp-roller and stapler-biters.

everything is new. and old.

strange, yet oddly familiar.

it feels like i knew this before.

i knew waking up early in the morning,

having breakfast in the car.

i knew listening to morning talkshows on the radio,

sing a long and bopping silly.

i knew lunch breaks. i knew snacks.

i knew asking questions and being asked.

its like school only cooler.

cos i get to drive 110km/hr on that sunny eastern freeway everyday.

and i get to park my car under that wine-coloured tree.

get an L-shape table, pc and the lot.

and a big window with New Panda chinese restaurant view.

and only to add the coolness:

boss said our team worked hard this week,

so we went to New Panda for yum-cha.

and boss paid.

...

i know!

...

dark chocolate

2007-11-15T22:32:00.000+11:00

i was revisiting the ideas of that girl that was me

who in May moved into that address on her own.

im a bit startled by the notes she scribbled there.

i look at her accusingly

like she has performed the ultimate betrayal.

she then explains to me that it startles her too, this everything.

she is startled that loneliness is real.

and that it cramps sneakily when changing channels 11pm.

she is startled that distress, she has plenty of them.

enough to skip a cup of tea, enough to forget making phonecalls,

and doing right things right.

so perhaps im being a little too hard on her.

afterall im startled by the depth of love that im capable of

as i find myself holding a wealth of memories

and taking them places with me

like all things bittersweet.

ill try to listen to her for once.

instant noodle

2007-11-05T11:42:00.000+11:00

Long before I booked tickets, bought chocolates

and packed my suitcase for Jakarta,

I remembered worrying about how October was going to unfold.

How it would be the month of catching-ups.

And how catching-up means Questions.

Questions are caring and so nice to being asked.

But they can be intimidating sometimes.

I worried because I know I havent got the perfect replies

to some important FAQs.

Like career. Like future plans.

But turned out October was full of answers.

It was relaxing and thoughtful,

a feast of fun stuffs, gratitudes, and good luck wishes..

a feast from Nasi bakar to Jimbaran..

My humble thank yous to my dear family and friends.

Im sorry I couldnt catch-up with every single one of you.

My thoughts are with you.

Now it feels like a different Melbourne.

I am feeling better.

Thanks to all the questions asked.

More than anything they were full of love.

simple like ice-cream

2007-09-14T02:32:00.000+10:00

Cannot help it. I need to brag.

Need to tell that I recently went to Katie Noonan and Tori Amos gig.

Such different performers, both eccentric, both profoundly moved me.

Watching them perform I seemed to twist and flutter.

They were so rich and passionate and I was so small in the room.

So good that I didnt spend the last half hour of the performance

wondering what the performers had for dinner.

So good that I left the theater buzzing,

wanting to think about it, talk about it, write about it.

Although as always, when I am overwhelmed by something,

I tend to shut down, shift into freestyle mode and

nothing gets done properly.

So envious of them, passionate people, in general.

Not so proud of admitting this, but Ive never considered myself

a person who is passionate or proactive.

I just like things. And really really really like things.

But I still dont know what I exactly love doing.

I give up on them easily.

It is a loaded word, passion.

I wish it was simple.

the build-up

2007-09-07T11:30:00.000+10:00

I like September.

After September days weeks and months usually fly.

And the next day i wake up is usually New Year.

Not because nothing matters after September. Or before.

It is all about the build-up.

You can see the tail of holidays ahead

and your heart starts singing.

And September means Spring in Melbourne.

A liberating season to many people,

Scandinavians in particular,

according to Jenny K. Blake:

(warning: there are boobies)

Happy Spring everyone!

missing orange

2007-08-13T22:58:00.000+10:00

i have a classic habit of saving the best for last.

the last bite on my plate, is the bite i choose to linger in my mouth.

the bite that (i think) celebrates the food

how (i think) it is best remembered by.

and i do it naturally.

like last sunday.

went to prahran market and bought a little bunch of orange.

at home, by nature, i selected the plumpest and juiciest orange

and separated it from the bunch.

put it on the kitchen counter, to eat later.

to eat last.

after some commotions of weekend cleaning,

(that i was so into of),

that particular orange dissappeared.

i didnt sweat about it. it was just an orange.

but strangely enough, i couldnt stop looking for it.

during the ads on the tv show i was watching,

i looked under the couch.

while making tea and washing the dishes,

i crawled and peeked under the fridge.

ive been looking for my orange all day long.

ive looked everywhere. and ive looked again.

now im scared. i feel consumed. by an orange.

WHERE IS THE ORANGE?

going cuckoo

2007-08-01T01:13:00.000+10:00

this morning in the train, next to the window and the walking trees,

this afternoon at work, behind the touch-screen and display chocolate,

this evening at Safeway, on the pasta & sauces alley no. 8,

i wanted everyone around me to stop what they were doing,

turn their heads towards my direction, glare,

and scream at me in unison,

APPLYYY

FORRR

JOBSSS

NIDYAAAA!!!

APPLYY FORR JOBSSS

FOR GOODNESS SAAAKE!!!

APPLYYYYYY!!!*&#$%#^*

......

but they didnt.

i was disappointed.

10 chipmunk years

2007-07-25T20:09:00.000+10:00

had my driving license converted to Australian this afternoon

i was quite happy then, so i smiled for the picture.

but something happened during the take.

i think i smiled a little too wide.

inevitably i look like a chipmunk,

for the next 10 years.

twentysomething

2007-07-20T00:19:00.001+10:00

do you think people are more shaped by what they hear and see, or

do you think the things they hear and see

are more shaped by who they are?

I was walking home from work and found myself admiring a rainbow

just above the hilly turn of my unit blocks.

And I found myself thinking that it is kind of funny that I am still infatuated

by the same things I was when I was a little girl.

I still love rainbows.

And I still want Doraemon to show up from my desk drawer too.

Because when I said I wanted to grow up,

I did not mean every part of me.

Though I yearn for becoming an adult,

growing more fully into ourselves sounds more rewarding still.

After some serious House/Techno/Trance months,

I find myself once again enjoying quiet folk and breezy tunes.

After some serious girly necklace-wearing months,

I find myself once again wearing t-shirts, hoodie and converse sneakers.

And I like postcards very much, again.

Perhaps the things I have done,

the places I have been, the people I have met

they did not intend to change me more than I let them.

Like a part of a wonderful dance,

they just walk me to stretch and exercise and see.

Looking back at my twentyone was like all these mental exercises.

It was like eating a whopper burger.

So tasty, so unhealthy, so quickly munched,

I would do it again.

now twentytwo twentythree twentynine will pass o so quickly

but i want them to be full and fearless

fruitful and flavoursome

fun and fluorescent

the best decade yet to come

peach plum pear

2007-07-06T00:43:00.000+10:00

today was kinda lovely.

ate toast with butter and jam before i left

took a rainy walk to the station with an earful of songs, it was delicious.

so delicious that i am tempted to tell you about the colour of the winter sun

and the grey clouds and the intimacy of the songs

and how theyre soundtracking the people i passed by like in movies

how i wanted to link arms with them. kiss their cheeks.

but these things are hard to tell.

it just was a kinda sweet day.

jumping over puddles kinda sweet.

sweet how i could fog my heart out when i breathe outdoor

sweet how money is so tight, but i feel so taken care of

sweet how i look forward to Sunday to leave twentyone

feel like im holding my breath until

there are bad days when life seems bleak

and big and scary to face alone.

and there are good days when life seems big and promising.

the Newsoms Peach Plum Pear - listening days when things are changing

playfully. mysteriously. and urgently.

like today

it was peach plum pear.

jello snake tree

2007-06-16T18:27:00.000+10:00

Meet Manda.

My early memory of her was her giving me a 6 inch fruit jello snake

in one dry Susan Earps lecture. She then demonstrated to me

The Appropriate way to eat a jello snake: Pinch one tail up, face

facing up to the ceiling, mouth wide open, chew gradually upwards from

the bottom end and slurp the last half like a noodle. I was amused.

She may not be so girly, but i think she is many things healthier.

She is warm and charming and owns the art of making people comfortable

around her. She takes her time to get to know people, and peels the

characters often unobserved down to insecurities. So naturally,

she would break many hearts along the way. And yes,

she admits she did. But I can tell she is never anyones regret.

When I think of Manda, I think of the girl who spoke up when

the room fell silent and awkward. I think of the walks around the city,

half-priced Monday movies, and spontaneity. I think of the girl who dived

the sea and climbed the mountains. I think of great long talks of juvenile

things like Seths hairdo, apple crumble, and the politics.

To thoughtful things like love, family, and God.

She inspires me to dream differently. She wants to be like a tree.

And she reminds me of a tree. She reminds me of something that grows

and gives and true. I envy her closeness with nature and her love of our

home country and self-worth. It is something so admirable that I would be

ashamed to not follow her lead.

She likes her tea with milk. She likes her clothes comfortable,

her make-up minimum. She likes to sit on the right side of the couch,

a Mac on her lap, ever-playing some songs.

I’m so glad we were once housemates.

She is a total rockstar.

Good luck, Manda.

mad monday

2007-06-13T00:24:00.000+10:00

ive just had one of those mondays

that lingers long after tuesday.

and it is already wednesday

but still breathing like i was that day.

this monday was diary different,

this one stays a little too long.

because i feel like rewinding it,

for all the right reasons and wrong.

the politics of food

2007-06-07T20:24:00.000+10:00

so fascinating and thought-provoking.

photos of 15 families from around the world,

and what they eat during the course of a week.

So worth checking out.

Japan: so much msg on so little table.

USA: it is not ADHD, parents..

Ecuador: is it the food or the smiles that make the photo so colourful?

mm.. bet the book would be a great conversation starter.

little fish lost

2007-05-16T21:16:00.000+10:00

She said life is like the ocean.

fish swims,

fish crosses the sea,

fish gets a Permanent Resident.

Now fish can stay here long.

Longer than fish knows.

girl in room 3

2007-05-08T18:18:00.000+10:00

i cant decide which one is the more exciting day:

the day i moved into this new home about two weeks ago,

or the day the internet is finally connected about two hours ago.

either one, im on a high again.

the moving out and in is an old story now.

and though im still living from a suitcase - cos im tired of unpacking -

i consider myself home.

- did a chicken teriyaki ceremony to make it official -

i did, too, enjoy a lovely reunion with pen and paper,

although i terribly missed the internet and at few nights

caught myself watching BigBrother. oh the horror.

but (thankfully) also catching up with some saucy xy movies on SBS.

and obviously this time no one would comment

on my blushing throughout the film. (eheh)

and so much of a space to do my own things here.

i love every single bits of my new home.

an overstatement, i know, clouded by my exploring mood.

but who wouldnt be excited?

my nextdoor neighbour is a hardcore raver. whoa.

and funnily this new found excitement on these new things

makes me love my job more. feels like things matter again.

i grow more fondness to the smell of chocolate

and coffee and pastries and all of them together.

and the royalty of having strawberries and fondues

and waffles and souffles for staff meals, hits my head again.

let alone being entertained by countless characters that surrounds

the chocolate bar.

oh im spoiled. and i like it.

a warm big hug from barnsbury rd to everyone!

on the move

2007-04-05T09:30:00.000+10:00

i said goodbye

to the walls, doors, kitchen, and floor in capri.

and i know they were listening.

the keys have been returned,

and im now somewhere in clayton.

i keep asking myself, is it real?

did we just drive cross suburb with all of my belongings?

i find myself on peculiar streets with unfamiliar names and houses,

where the vivid sound of train passes by every 20.

driving wide-eyed and realised car park is free in this side of town.

im now halfway to where im going.

its less than 2 weeks, before i move again and live solo.

the feeling is still surreal and i just cant shake it.

maybe i dont want to shake it because its all terribly exciting.

but im dying to say this:

thank you to everyone who wished me luck,

prayed for my safety (and sanity).

who thought of me and checked in on me,

who left comments or emails or offline messages.

or helped in any big or small way.

a thousand times over, i thank you.

leaving Bank street

2007-03-29T00:31:00.000+10:00

the boxes have been packed and the truck will soon be loaded.

some guy named Hun is booked to drive my stuffs from and to rooms.

friday, i leave for clayton.

two weeks of staying over at michelle's ahead of me,

then i will leave for south yarra.

because good things are worth the wait.

then Barnsbury Rd will be part of my writings,

everytime i commit to something and share my personal details.

like to phone bills. love letters. priceline membership. la porchetta pizza.

ive never lived by myself before. so i dont really know.

and that is the best part of all this:

the not knowing. the closing of the eyes and the leaping:

Blyth street to Bank street to Barnsbury road.

so here i go.

see you on the other side.

house of box

2007-03-15T23:45:00.000+11:00

Boxes are all over our apartment.

Box saying Fragile!,

Box saying Donations,

Box saying Coats,

Box saying Books,

Box saying nothing,

Box for everything.

This place is boxed.

Theyre ready to move out.

and im still holding on

to my door key.

the crooks of my blanket

2007-03-14T00:01:00.000+11:00

beneath the sheets now, eyes shut but wide.

didnt drink coffee but cant fall asleep

i wish for a fast forward button to April or May

and skip this whole mess of finding a new home,

waiting for a silly residential Paper, browsing for desired jobs,

etc etc etc..

but then to not feel this rush, not walk through it,

would be the biggest mistake wouldnt it?

for it softens our edges, whatever that means.

this is what theyve been raving about.

about the Beginning.

so although i crave for stillness sometimes,

i find extraordinary peace in movement.

and im not complaining one bit.

i will not press that fast forward button,

unless it comes with a rewind and slo-mo.

and the pause button is this very moment every night.

when i get lost in the crooks of my blanket,

which i seem to fit all too well.

thinking to sleep. sleeping to think.

i feel safe here.

material girl

2007-02-15T01:55:00.000+11:00

iPod video : 24 hours

Cue's formal dress : 10 hours

curry bentoh and takoyaki at Kimurakan : 1 hour

life is less expensive when we have a job to trade our time.

but a little thoughtfulness grow when we want to spend what we earn.

but not too much, cos

whats the point of working if i dont buy the things i want?

although

whats the point of working if i spend it on the things i dont really need?

hence ive been wondering what i value and

how my spending reflects that.

because most of the times i want the things i dont need.

im human that way.

so i dont know, should i iPod my ears too?

it seems already built-in on everyone else's,

i can just overhear music by sitting next to them.

and be more social that way.

these tangled feet

2007-02-08T10:02:00.000+11:00

On one fateful January day an idea popped in a couples minds;

"hey! lets tie our feet together"

"ok!"

so they did.

now 27 years have passed and theyre still walking together.

through rocks, cottons, dreams and fears.

tight as ever.

happy belated anniversary ma, pa.

your feet keep us tall.

we love you dearly.

february sky

2007-02-02T20:09:00.000+11:00

a cool summer afternoon.

watching parade of clouds on my porch, rather closely.

then a string of clouds bended and whispered to me;

"Oi. watchu lookin at?!"

it then breezed off. chillin.

thats what happened if im lacking love affairs in summertime.

even the most romantic february sky cant set my imagination high.

and cloud knows better.

im not as content as i look.

so i left my porch, shut the door,

and watched Law & Order: SVU.

"Go kill those rapists, Olivia!

Kill em, kill em gooood"

less sun, i dont mind

2007-01-25T12:57:00.000+11:00

summer is spring this year,

perfect 25C to stroll in

spf 18 sunscreen

cool breeze

less flies

muffin talk

few soft showers

and all-berry-bang smoothie

the bows and the arrow

2007-01-09T19:58:00.001+11:00

Kahlil Gibran

On Children

Your children are not your children.

They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.

They come through you but not from you,

And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,

For they have their own thoughts.

You may house their bodies but not their souls,

For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,

which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.

For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children

as living arrows are sent forth.

The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,

and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.

Let our bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;

For even as He loves the arrow that flies,

so He loves also the bow that is stable.

garden of simple

2007-01-01T11:22:00.000+11:00

"Those of you who are scattered,

simplify your worrying lives. There is one

righteousness: Water the fruit trees,

and don't water the thorns." Rumi

I paused and smiled reading this. I smiled knowing that I have been

watering so many fears and worries and what-ifs

in my garden of flowers and fruit trees.

Happy new year everybody.

water

2006-12-31T15:54:00.000+11:00

I survived 2006, a year I feared too much.

I felt grateful.

A little less disappointed

slightly more relieved

a little more graduated

a bit more resolved

way more discovering

and discovered

But far more scared

And heaps more vulnerable

than I was a year ago.

Life has many beginnings, and now is one of them.

I should no longer run auto-pilot on many things.

Like lectures, or library visits, or tutes.

Mostly I did those, just because.

Now I need to take time and be present.

In life, career, and relationships.

To live like I mean it.

I intend to breathe deeper, speak up more, act more and be better

with people. Id like to take more pictures too, draw more sketches,

write more journals, read more books and papers, eat more ice creams,

drive more road trips, cook more savouries, practice more guitar,

and decorate more walls, and perhaps more exercise wont hurt.

This year I wish for patience and self-worth and honesty

And wisdom to see if there is real love waiting.

But not rushing. Never rushing.

I am committed to be more employed. And earn independence.

and I also intend to give more.

Because we owe each other so much.

So many things to want, to do and expected,

I cant help but fear what if I cant accomplish them well.

I always feel like I havent tested the water close enough.

I dont know how cold or how deep or what creatures swimming inside.

and I have to jump into this with only what I can carry.

I guess of all the trusts Ive earned,

I havent yet earned it from myself.

overdue announcement

2006-11-26T23:33:00.000+11:00

finally! books were closed, and papers were thrown up to the air.

exams and library, they are all in past tense. at least for now.

but then sitting, waiting, wishing are not quite enough

i feel like dancing my bones away until the results come out.

woohooo

had a lovely weekend too, full of slow-walking things like shopping,

lunch at the beach, nibbling sun chips, and coffee floats drink.

then there were warm nights, long talks, midnight icecream,

and the city is bright with christmas lights. pretty!

the weather was soo fine, i almost hugged a tree.

but november weather keeps changing,

and hopefully its not the only thing that does,

i hope noone stays the same.

well at least thats what im trying not to be.

i collect small changes after changes, want to make it big

but then i can only confirm some wee bit of boring ones:

that i pronounce things differently. i say 'car-a-mel' instead of 'carm-el'.

and perhaps.. more independent. more experimenting. i have a mascara.

err.. i cook more. bike places. drive roadtrips. wash the car. yah.

then i budget, not in debt. clean my room more often.

do chores and understand the hardship of it.

ive grown fond of wholemeal bread, multigrain biscuits and soymilk.

learned how to make a good cup of tea, bake muffins.

ive gone to sexpo. seen strippers. yes. they come with the poles.

hmm.. if this is what growing up is, i like it. mostly.

but is it? why did i feel older when i was 12?

im 21 and seriously.. its just numbers.

today is the oldest ive been, and ive never felt greener.

maybe its because i need to open the door soon. like now.

but see? if i was in an african tribe,

at least id have a cool tattoo to confirm this growing up thingy.

in here, i count on my driving license to be hip and happening.

ive nothing else to say

i really have a lot of catching up to do.

but at least today i feel closer to my age.

in more ways than one.

hm, must be all the talk

anxious happiness

2006-10-25T19:21:00.000+10:00

its wednesday evening and ive been thinking about friday.

if everything goes alright,

friday i will have completed all materials for my degree.

its an amusing thought over a cup of earl grey. really.

and for a tic there, i really forgot about the exams.

but its a good thought still.

waiting for the sunset

2006-10-22T12:58:00.000+10:00

its just few hours away to the end of ramadhan.

its been a weird month to me.

havent been in my best behaviour the way i shouldve spent being.

it is said that during this month the demons are locked down.

they cannot allure people to do bad stuffs. so clearly,

its been beyond great. sorta kicked me in the head too.

i learned that it doesnt take a demond to behave badly.

it takes me.

so yes ill stop thinking that the lucifers the devils the monsters

the whisperers and the dark figures in the corner

are responsible for making me do things that i shouldnt.

theyre just pretending taking the blame and delirious about it.

and oh no, they'll come back again bruised and battered tomorrow.

what am i gonna say to them?

i dont wanna make them too happy, you know.

when the sun is just a sun

2006-10-17T22:30:00.000+10:00

while some days are unlike any other,

many days are just like any other.

like copies from days before, many conversations repeat themselves.

its creepy when i feel bland and disinterested.

that sky is blue almost everyday.

and Neighbours is on channel ten every weekdays.

and Big Issue man sells zines on his exact spot every morning.

its as if we're all waiting for something.

and im not sure what im waiting for.

definitely not the fifth stamp on my coffee card.

it should be something better than a free latte.

something worth waiting.

october neednt be a blank month in this blog.

and i thought if i look around long enough,

there'd be a poetry to be found and pondered.

perhaps i forgot to let it happen naturally.

i learn, that sometimes life lacks lyricism.

and i dont like it.

ive tiny inner resources to feed my senses let alone others.

like i need to listen to difranco, read alchemist, or watch forrest gump

just to feel.

yea i do like dramas. conflicts. solutions.

but as long as they didnt occur to me. nothing radical at least.

with this state of mind, im not going anywhere extreme am i?

now surprisingly i dont know whether this is a good or a bad thing.

im still deciding.

in the mean time,

im enduring more ordinary days to come

by romanticising them anywhere i can.

although lately it gets tougher.

do be do

2006-09-25T23:41:00.000+10:00

---

"to do is to be" - Nietzsche

"to be is to do" - Kant

"do be do be do" - Sinatra

---

chickened

2006-09-19T23:00:00.000+10:00

UoM. Also known as my school of revealing

as far as a degree in growing up goes. but as part of the

academic service i had a resume review a month ago.

They looked at it, told me whats good and what needed

improvements, plus a good luck wish.

Paid $7.5 i didnt complain, wanted to have the best resume

i can offer job market late this year onwards.

If only i could manipulate some of my history to enter the contest.

A contest. A handful of graduates get in

while plentiful stay in the waiting room. How i wish to be welcomed.

but let me face it: im not as good as i thought i was,

and my resumes weak. I could do so much better.

Thats the way it always goes though, right? I could do better.

a convenient way to look back, a devastating one too.

So i dont know how to be ready.

i can sneer and glare and say that life is so unfair.

want to believe that those who made it, made it cos their

breasts were really big. But i dont wanna get old before i have to.

get bitter and bitch about those who succeed. So perhaps im ready,

but pretending not to because its just a cozier place to be.

and lately i am bitter. so let everything looks dark too.

like vegemite. licorice. burnt toast. and thinking about accountant

in this dark hours, its not the sexiest profession really.

it is my excuse to dress in power suit, wear power glasses,

carry power laptop, sit power solitude and drink power coffee.

apparently little nidya wants to fit in her little world, powerfully.

but wait, this is sad and contains only little truth.

but even so, why does my resume still sleep on the desk, unsent?

what other reasons can make me finally do it, really..

Save the world?

green tea

2006-09-05T02:12:00.000+10:00

Its time to bring winter to a close.

It has ended gracefully and spring begins along with the riot

of fresh green buds. I began winter just few months ago in

a tram number 16 up to the city, full of uncertainties.

I end it here in the kitchen, with cheerios in my mouth and

a toaster standing nearby. Its raining outside.

Must be a little goodbye drizzle.

Ive never missed the sun before I met winter.

Not this much. I used to ask You to turn it dimmer so I could

walk freely under. Its the Asian in me. And as much as I love

the orange maroon brown alliance in autumn, or take pleasure

in pumpkin soup, beef gravy and warm double blankets

in winter, I welcome September in glee and looking up to the sky.

Reminded how colors are extraordinary.

That the trees and flowers and grass didnt die when

they claimed so. They just took their time to be appreciated again.

Nature is terribly humble in dealing with my ignorance.

Many things are still full of uncertainties since winter.

Havent shifted much less. But a little bit of sadness is a very

healthy thing, or so Ive learnt. Maybe I want to take time too,

just to appreciate things more.

but hey dearest spring

tell the world Im still up for living

although sometimes I do absolutely nothing

but eating green tea ice cream in your evening

melbourne

2006-08-24T12:31:00.000+10:00

So,

am i willing to learn a new Language?

Or

did i just come here to ask what it is famous for

and

take pictures?

just like the doctor ordered

2006-08-10T22:56:00.000+10:00

"At 6.15 in the morning", she said

"I was walking through the aisles in melbourne,

listening to some jazz musicians in that secret lane," she sighed

"I was in love, making jokes and felt loved, everything was wonderful."

"Then,"

she sipped her honey soy chai latte

long pause

"I woke up"

on losing

2006-08-09T12:40:00.000+10:00

lose something everyday

accept the grief of the lost door keys

or the hours badly spent

we have learned to lose so much

might as well learn the art of losing

lose something everyday

many things exist with the intention to be lost

mourn the absence

but maybe they're just waiting to be lost

maybe we don't notice

we have lost bigger little things, more

than the smaller big things we complained

only we justified, they're meant to be lost

even if they're not

expect losing something everyday

it implies a bad thing, but it isn't always

birthday reloaded

2006-07-30T03:14:00.000+10:00

i thought my 21st would be a cakeless year to begin with.

i didn't mind the idea. at the very very least.

birthday cakes, they can scare me sometimes.

but only yesterday, i surprised myself

by how utterly delighted i was, with the idea of belated birthday cake.

it was 10am.

twelve knockings on my door

i first answered the saturday morning assault with distaste.

my two housemates then appeared with their static-ee morning hair

holding hazelnut chocolate cake from online delivery service.

i had a momentary confusion.

'happy birthday!', they said. and they seemed to mean it.

cheek-peckings. and hugs.

more cheek-peckings. and hugs.

'sorry the cake was too late', they continued.

and it was the least of my concern. i was ecstatic.

little did they know that it wasn't too late at all.

that it was a special day all over again because they did so.

and by connecting stuffs, it was actually a unique time to pick.

that it was 10am in Melbourne, so 7am in the humble Kalimantan.

the time and place i was born.

hence it happened to be my 21st day being 21. exactly. technically.

i like that idea. it's like icing on the cake.

birthday cake. it never was about the cake.

it is more like a reminder

how i should be grateful to have the real cakes to live with.

well i am. and i'd like to thank them for being.

just being.

but ofcourse, the cake was also a success

it was a wickedly mouthwatering celebration of chocolate and hazelnut. yumm.

it reminded me of what a victoria market tshirt says;

"coffee. chocolate. men.

some things are better rich" :)

laughing matter?

2006-07-24T00:07:00.000+10:00

hopefully today's the first day of my last semester

in this bittersweet undergraduate experience.

the ultimate reason to enjoy my next 6 months like never before

would be best ignited

by Jym Britton's parody of James Blunt's "You're Beautiful",

that pictures the less-than-desired

yet-happens-a-lot-scenario-of-life-post-uni

that-i-try-to-avoid-but-who-knows-how-shit-happens, called

"My Cubicle"

please enjoy responsibly

rashomon

2006-07-18T11:03:00.000+10:00

broke my blogging record this week

have written seven entries in seven days.

they were not necessarily something

but necessarily too much, for me and of me

now it feels like i'm spending my life describing things

like living my life is less important

like what i really want to do is tell you about it

with added salt pepper soy sauce avec chili

ah yes, why try so hard?

after all it would always be the Rashomon experience

that no one would know you more than what he/she thinks of you

and why deny that i'm not an interesting mystery. the readers are.

at least they have the right to be, thus why

this blog has no statistics or intention to actively find out who's reading

that maybe readers are not numbers and geographic range

that maybe readers become readers from what they feel after the readings

and that's a bit beyond precision to know

or if readers were, numbers and places

why suffer myself by knowing the truth?

might as well let the readers be my interesting mysteries

hence spare me the downside of expectations

vegetable laments

2006-07-16T22:43:00.000+10:00

we used to talk, God and i

any kind of talks. i couldn't hear Her voice but i listen and nod

we used to fight, God and i

only because i loved Her enough to fight

and the silent treatments were serene and gentle and calming

but then i drifted. i thought i've grown up

and could decide things by myself

like i need to put myself in vegetables shoes

in order to know the difference between the fruits and the flowers

so we stopped. because i let go.

then the mute tone became so loud i cringed my forehead

it was hard to listen to what i was supposed

there is even this kind;

the kind of silence that can only be heard when others talk

it is not a good feeling, leaving.

but i should consider Her feeling, being left.

i hope when i let go, God tied a string around my waist

for me to turn back and climb up. again. again. again.

while we begin talking and arguing all over again

maybe my sister had a point,

i also don't like how heaven and hell are in between God and me

ode to lovers

2006-07-14T19:10:00.000+10:00

a joke, doesn't

have to tell

that it is

funny

so

please

don't tell her

that you love her

the house

2006-07-13T00:10:00.000+10:00

her falling for someone,

it is usually slow, subtle, curious, delicious.

the magnet didnt suddenly move over to a love chart

proclamations were not shouted in the city square

she just is. and she enjoys the falling,

the gravity-effect on the knees, the butterflies, the damaged brain,

the sudden fondness of stalking and anonymous-phonecalling;

20thC teen style.

but she had trouble with subtleness.

she thought the force of love was so grand,

that she believed a toilet grafiti confession could do the telling,

and last page scribbles on notebook could do the loving.

silenced like a sin, hooligans riot at heart.

oh, the grief. oh, the haunting; tortured-poet style.

but then she learnt the hardcore way.

so the next time she falls; she knows she

must exploit eye contacts, must release pheromones,

must scream the love out, must act in love.

because although less is more in this department,

apparently not giving a clue is Not giving a clue

so no, she's not too cool to fall in love.

if she was a house, she's OpenForInspection.

looking for a tenant to fill the blanks

only she insists not wanting any help from RayWhite or HockingStuart

not.. just yet

heart cancer

2006-07-12T01:35:00.000+10:00

it's extremely cold tonight
is it the winter or is it just me?
both hands slipped between my knees, searching for warmth
my fingers were ice cold, i let out few shivers
my toes shrinked. my heart followed.

suddenly felt small.
suddenly felt dry. bitter.

incapable of thinking,
i grew restless but tired but awake
a sleep would do me good. some loving would do too.

i haven't loved hard since ever
i have too much to give but the bubble hasn't burst.
this heart ballooned.

but there's a change in constellation.
the stars evolve while we are ignoring them.
so how has it changed the gravity between us?
i can't fake gravity on the planet that insist
so why not find each other now,
maybe the next big bang would be too long

twentyone

2006-07-10T00:29:00.000+10:00

i was a day late to reflect last year old

and to ponder this age

i wonder what's in store for me this time

but then i am not the customer

so i can not just wonder

in search of inspiration for what i want

i read some books mags papers tv trees sky wind n all.

they make me dream, spectacularly

but this hour i really need one that will wake me up

but how do i expect to understand what i want,

when i dream in one language

and wake up in another?

am i in the right country?

2006-07-09T16:32:00.000+10:00

fortune cookie

2006-07-09T13:06:00.000+10:00

i just had this awkward period
where my writings resonate back at me in the most discomforting way
it strucked me how responsible i should be for the things that i wrote
hence the silence. but now i couldn't care less
the main audience here is actually me, reaching out

to cut short story shorter,
i have been sleeping a lot, in most sense of the word
i have been thinking more selfishly
and this involves semi-shutting myself from encounters,
and burying myself with uni stuffs
that i actually wished to escape from.
these.. i thought i need, in order to get to know myself better

but i guess i took it to the extreme
that while i was sleeping, everything changed
seemingly too much;
the trees grew 2 inches, fashions all strange
and indeed.. i was losing the people that i care about
perhaps, almost everyone.
i've missed too many stories, jokes, experiences
i'm afraid they would never get restored.

it was a malpracticed theurapy of solitude;
in which i didn't get to deliver any message across,
other than how sourly-preserved-pickle i am,
that reveals ugliness surprisingly mine

perhaps funnily this whole process is a self-defense mechanism
against fear of rejection
yes, the fear. not the rejection.

then a $1 fortune cookie knocked my door
it says what i've ignored all along:
that "adversity doesn't build character. it reveals it."
so afterall it is the people around me that characterise me
and i've revealed less of me by doing this isolation
possibly maybe, i've been de-characterising myself

i want to kiss and make up for all the damage i unnecessarily caused
only i haven't got the guts to start kissing and fixing
i feel like a prisoner on a first day out, even the sunlight is overwhelming
and every step forward is worried by guilt.

t h e g r e e n b l o g e f f e c t

2006-07-02T18:37:00.000+10:00

finally escaped from the maroon blog

and i'd like to begin the journey by sharing an icelandic piece

to celebrate all things exciting in life

enjoy your day

HOPPIPOLLA (Sigur Ros)

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